It’s been a minute. I’ve missed you!
I saw a post on Instagram of a writer at a photoshoot saying she was grateful for not being asked to smile. My initial response was, yes, great! It’s considered de rigueur for women to be accessible and inviting, to smile. I remember a time when I was about nineteen, in the midst of a busy waitressing shift, and an older (creepy) man called me over to tell me I’d be prettier with lipstick and a smile. I wish I’d had the nerve to dump a tray in his lap. Women have no responsibility to be pretty for the male gaze, or anyone’s gaze.
Taking a morning walk at my local park, I thought about the non-smiling writer’s portrait. It is beautiful and strong. Also, it got me to wonder about the cost/benefit analysis of a smile. Each time I caught the gaze of a fellow morning rambler, and we exchanged a nod, a smile, I felt a boost. What started as a brooding walk—thinking about the state of the world, AQI, rise of covid infections, upended plans—was lightened by the flashes of connection I felt all over the park. Returning a smile was a spark, a synaptic leap.
A smile also offers the benefit of the feedback loop. When we use muscles in our face that are generally linked to an emotion, we can stimulate the emotion. Hence, forming a smile may actually brighten our day, even if at first we don’t feel like smiling.
I’m not here to say anyone should force smile. Certainly we shouldn’t have performative smiles. But I will err on the side of a slight fake. Smiling doesn’t necessarily mean I’m happy, it means I’m strong, I’m here, and so are you.
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